Many whose journey brings them to SIS don’t know the power horses hold within… I always have. My love for horses has driven the course of my life for as long as I can remember. My Mother saw to it that I had a “proper” foundation through dressage. Boring. I needed more.
Through my teens I scared her to death by jumping anything and everything, as high and as fast as I could. I played competitive polo until the week I went into labor with my daughter, Stephanie. I raised her while breeding and showing American Quarter Horses and made sure she knew the cure for all that ailed her could be found at the barn. With horses.
So, what happened?? Towards the end of a 28.5-year career in law enforcement I repeatedly found the “false” rock bottom. Injury on top of injury. Trauma on top of trauma. Then a cervical spine injury seriously curtailed my riding and patrol career in 2018. Then, in 2020, Covid decided to teach me a whole new level of humility. It’s amazing how the little things don’t matter when you have but one priority… to breathe. Recovery was complicated and uncertain. It was then I knew the time had come. I would have to retire. As I began to prepare myself for the inevitable, the loss of my identity as a Police Sergeant, a career I Ioved; I was dealing with depression, PTSD, numerous orthopedic injuries and TBI. As I announced my retirement, I was physically weak, emotionally terrified and I felt hopelessly alone. New level… THE rock bottom.
But I had nothing to worry about, I had an ace up my sleeve… a barn full (5 at the time) of horses at home. I just had to recover. I just had to get strong enough. But I didn’t. My lungs got worse, my heart raced at every challenge, and I developed an anxiety that I never knew existed. Having once been able to multitask with ease; shutting down multiple freeway lanes due to live bombs being disarmed, briefing National Security while deploying K9s on an unrelated call, all while texting my daughter that there would be a delay on her way home and to choose another route… I would now sit frozen in the grocery store parking lot unable to enter because I could not recall the 3rd item on the grocery list I was so sure I would remember. My anxiety and health issues would eventually keep me housebound for nearly 6 months. I tried visiting my horses to find solace but just the short walk from my backyard to their stalls would tax my breathing, have my heart racing, my mind spinning, and my soul crushed. They are so sensitive they can sense a human heart rate at 6 feet. My tachycardia (elevated heart rate) was so high my horses were convinced I was a bringing crocodiles with me! These great animals, who had always brought me such peace, comfort and joy were terrified of me. I was too physically weak to handle them safely and too emotionally broken to know where to start. Each visit would just trigger reminders of all that was, all that was lost, seemingly forever. I had zero confidence. My friends had long ago stopped asking if I wanted company. I’d pushed all who cared as far away as I could. Unable to face my own reality the last thing I wanted was pity. I liked nothing about the person I saw in the mirror, timid, frail, stupid, unable to remember even the simple tasks… who was I? I was failing as a mother, failing as a wife …how dare I even dream to be a horsewoman. My cognitive dis function made everything an ordeal and my pain was unbearable. Who was I? I sure wasn’t living. I was existing. And barely. New level… The REAL rock bottom.
3am… Saddles In Service on Instagram. Time to throw a loop. I sent an email that saved my life. Maybe, just maybe, I could ride one more time. That was my plan. My first trip to SIS I didn’t get out of my car. I just sat at the corner and watched. A nearly 3-hour roundtrip just to be sure I’d be able to make the drive on my orientation day. Day one…are Tammy and Michelle for real? Ok… where do they find these people? Each one kinder than the last. And the horses… none of the tension or judgement I felt from my own at home. Then came the tears. I don’t cry. What the hell? Who’s hugging me? Wait, I’m hugging them? Ok, gotta go now. Wait… I can come back next week, right?
Up one level from rock bottom. Then I met Kristina and Huck. My rocket boosters. No rocket can leave the ground without boosters. NASA has nothing on Kristina. Talk about a 1,000-pound dose of, “we got this”. Positive encouragement with a heavy dose of reality. I did my best to keep the extent of my horse experience to myself, only because I was so nervous and anxious of failure. Sitting bareback on Huck on a longline, I felt like a kid who had never ridden. It took weeks to “find my seat”. There was mention of a “goldfish on a kitchen counter”. We laughed and we cried. We laughed a lot more than we cried. So many times, “I can’t do that” turned into, “I just did that”.
Then came hurricane Sandy, the Trail Boss. I think this is where I took my first full breath and thought… ok, maybe I really can do this. There’s nothing Sandy thinks is impossible. It’s intoxicating, if not a little infuriating. Galloping Smokey up a hill, listening to Sandy coming up behind me was THE first time I truly felt alive and present in five years. No more rock bottom. Time to start climbing UP. The rides and times that followed at SIS formed the cornerstone of my recovery.
All healing begins with a feeling. With each nuzzle, gallop and welcome whinny my anxiety lessened. The pain remains but it’s my choice to no longer suffer. SIS is a place full of kindness, understanding, empathy and patience, and all who visit are given space and grace. A place where rock bottom gets smoothed out and set up as a launch pad, surrounded by boosters who are all uniquely gifted to show a way through the twisted trails we travel.
Over the past year my physical and mental health has continued to improve. I’m getting the much-needed treatment I never would have had the courage to ask for without the support of the friendships I’ve made through SIS. Miracles have happened with my horses at home too. (Thanks Sam.) And I’m hitting the trail regularly. I hope to join the SIS team as a Wrangler next year. We all know life’s trails are full of challenges. Thanks to SIS I got a “leg up” and am so very grateful to be “back in the saddle” having made friends I’ll treasure forever knowing, “I’ll never have to ride alone.”
